The following has been rated IDOL ROTS LOSS for
Me: So, -insert creationist’s name here-, what’s your take on evolution?
Creationist: I believe we were and are the lord o’mighty’s creations, made to roam the Earth 4,600 years ago.
Me: What about carbon-dated bones that date back to 7 million years ago?
Creationist: When god created the Earth, he created the elements we have today, however, the Lord O’Mighty never created carbon! Carbon is the element of the devil! EVIL CARBON!
Me: You know, if carbon is the “Devil’s element” that means your skin is made up of the “Devil’s element”.
Creationist: Well, carbon is responsible for global warmin’!
Me: What about oil? Oil is ancient animals that have deteriorated into raw energy from millions of years ago.
Creationist: The Lord O’Mighty created this world and everything around us, except for carbon! Oil is an insignificant excuse for people to use as the cause of global warmin’! Global warmin’ just God’s punishment to Man’s irresponsible use of his allpowerful creations!
Me: What about pollution? Some power comes oil, infact, most power comes from oil! When oil is burned to make energy, massive amounts of pollution are released into the air, causing global warming.
Creationist: In the final day, when god created this wonderful world as a gift to man, he forsaw our irresponsibility with technology to come. He gave us a punishment to teach us the values of the Holy Book of Truth, the BIBLE!
Me: You realize there is no way you’re going to win this debate, right? The writer can’t let you win because of his own beliefs.
Creationist: ARE YOU SAYIN’ THERE IS SOME UNHOLY FORCE BEHIND THIS FIGHT CONTROLLIN’ EVERYTHIN’ I SAY?!
Me: Well, in a way, yes.
Creationist: Fine, I surrender to this “Unholy force”.
Me: See, I’m never wrong.
Creationist: You unholy disbeliever! You ain’t believin’ in the Lord O’Mighty and deserve to go to his prison!
Me: Okay, moving on now.
Me: Okay, -insert creationist’s name here- what do you think about education?
Creationist: We should be teachin’ children o’ the world the values of christianity and how it’s right! Not teachin’ them the borin’ stuff we had to live through as a kid.
Me: Okay. I believe we should teach kids some of the good values of christianity, just not by doing that thing where we read out of the bible to teach them. Me, being a half-jew, believe that it could offend some kids of a different religion; While teaching them the important stuff like reading, writing, arithmatic, etc.
Creationist: ARE YOU SAYIN’ YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THE LORD O’MIGHTY!
Me: No. I’m saying that some kids… *Creationist interrupts*
Creationist: WHAT?!!!!?! ARE YOU SAYIN’ SOME KIDS AREN’T BELIEVERS OF THE ONE HOLY TRUTH!
Me: Yes, some kids are jewish or other religions, and don’t have the EXACT SAME BELIEFS as you.
Creationist: YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION TO THE LORD O’MIGHTY HIMSELF! NOT BELIEVING IN HIS LAWS, NOT BELIEVIN’ HIS VALUES!
Me: Let me repeat myself as I did earlier in the interview. THE WRITER IS DOING HIS BEST TO MAKE YOU LOOK STUPID AND I HAVE TO WIN BECAUSE HIS POLITICS AND BELIEFS DO NOT MATCH YOURS AND HE BELIEVES YOURS ARE INTOLLERANT AND IGNORANT!
Creationist: So this unholy force is an abomination to the Lord O’Mighty?
Me: In your intollerant ignorant eyes, yes.
Me: Well, it was a great interview.
*Creationist yanks me to the ground*
Me: Ouuh my god! FFFFFFFFFahhhhhhh crap! Ouuh my god!
Creationist: YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION TO THE LORD O’MIGHTY HIMSELF! THAT IS THE LEAST I AND ALL BELIEVERS IN THE TRUTH CAN DO!
Creationist: PS, Steven Colbert HAS been telling me what I think for 3 years. Steven Colbert is the greatest politician ever!
This was pretty fun to write. Especially the creationist part. Just contradict all of my politics and religious beliefs and put “The Lord O’Mighty!” into as many lines as possible. Also, this one is pretty obvious but there was a pretty “Hit you over the head” sorta environmental message in there.